Well here i am weeks from moving to seattle

I've spent time with my father

and have visited my mother sense i've moved out

over a long period of time ive written here and there but it all amounts as next to nothing. I know that if i had an alpha smart as i had in high school i would do more. however i also know that I blame myself for never being able to make myself pull out a pen and paper or commit to finishing a single story.

the time i've spent going to the community college and wrestling with school districts to let me take my GED is over. I'm now legally an adult ( although by looking at my spelling one could never know) now its up to me... There is nothing in the world Stoping me now .. although i now find it even harder to focus on my studies I know that what ever happens now They are my Choices and my Consequences to accept ... Its time to finally get out on my own and make myself .. I'm still not sure how i should cut the paper or shape the clay but either way I know i'll make mistakes and i'll fail I Will Cry and i wont let that make me feel weak anymore I will make mistakes and I will learn from them

I'll learn to take chances and Not to make Stupid choices I wont insult the friends who call me wise by behaving as a dimwit. just as i've learned to write my emotions For myself i dont expect anyone else's support or input on anything. I dont expect the world to gather because i've said something I expect it to ignore me and move along

I've wasted time on people I was fooled by false friends But i know myself better now and I'm working on amending my flaws to make them liveable Its not too hard ... Although i have nothing in the world to be proud of and i still have no self confidence i have found a sense of self that i can come to peace with .. I'm not perfect I'm a plain and royal bitch with unachievable standards and have lost even more faith in humanity ....... although i must admit in loosing that faith i've gained some new hope for myself finding peace in my humanity and imperfectness... and i continuously beg myself to take a simpler look at things so as not to worry or distract myself from what needs to and should be done

I know more of what i want out of my life, I want two kids and Stupid me I've got names picked already Boys: Kaim, Cain, Neal (the last one is my favorite) Girls: Deah, Rahna,Blythe. I also know that I Love to cook meals warm meals at home with close friends while we make jokes or fun of each-other over dinner. I know that I want a garden where i grow fresh herbs and veggies i want beautiful flowers and i want at-least one window box overflowing with strawberries. I've learned that i'm a complete animal freak in a way i hadnt expected for example if my cat wasn't in this house I'd never ever come home. I have two beautiful cats who fight like siblings each has their own pet bed with a plush blanket. I'd love to eventually have a dog and even more out there is my longing for my own horse. ,..... I've learned the best thing i can do for myself is stay confident to prepare for things early and to practice what i will say before i must say it.. .. The latter i have always done so as to avoid looking foolish however the first has never been my strong point

so Off on a new terrifying adventure I'll move to seattle until i can finally move to olympia where i must pretend i have some small idea as to what i'm doing or what i will be doing with the rest of my life


Now I must leave I have plenty more to say but these thoughts are not yet organized and so i will keep them to myself for a time. My life is a mess a chaotic unbelieveable disarray of events. so hope I till the day I die things will always be a little messy so i will never find myself so bored that i must light my hair aflame.

I have a new book to read , I can not wait to see the end